A Practical Tool for Dealing with Difficult Interpersonal Relationships at Work
If you’re dealing with a challenging professional relationship that’s sucking up your time and energy, here’s a practical tool that can help.
Each time I begin working with a new coaching client through our Practical Leadership Advisory services, I make sure to cover this important truth upfront:
We can’t control other people’s behavior,
But we can control how we process and respond to it.
If you’ve been in nonprofit leadership for any amount of time, you’ve run into plenty of interpersonal challenges. Things like:
Trying to coach an underperforming employee who doesn’t seem to care,
Juggling the needs of a generous but highly demanding Board Member,
Neutralizing a bad manager or toxic high-performer, or
Managing a donor who regularly sends you and your team into crisis mode.
These situations are stressful – and they can bring up big emotions like frustration, anger, hopelessness, and even despair.
Here’s something I first discovered as a parent of young kids that has helped me – and so many of my clients and colleagues – better manage these situations.
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When my kids were toddlers, a trip and fall could quickly turn into tears – even if they weren’t hurt.
That’s because surprise and pain can both activate our nervous system’s “fight-or-flight” response, leading to similar kinds of big emotions.
Instinctually, we respond to hurt, negative surprise, and even disappointment in similar ways, so it can be hard to identify exactly what we’re feeling in the moment – unless we have some help.
Eventually, I got good at asking my kids while comforting them, “Does it feel ouchie? Or was it surprising?”
Knowing the difference was important because it helped us:
Identify the source of the big feelings and
Figure out the best next steps together.
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In professional environments, while we may be less likely to have “ouchies,” it’s pretty typical to find ourselves caught off guard by challenging interpersonal relationship dynamics.
This is true even when the difficult behavior we’re experiencing or observing is very much in line with what we’ve seen from this person in the past.
Our emotions and frustrations can get big because, despite previous evidence, we still feel surprised or disappointed that this is still happening.
We don’t have to accept bad behavior or simply ignore it.
But feeling our emotions go from zero to 60 every time we experience routine bad behavior isn’t good for us – and it doesn’t help us be the leaders we want to be.
If we can stop feeling surprised by bad behavior, we can approach how we want to address it with more calm, energy, and clarity.
To do that, try our worksheet: How to Stop Feeling Surprised By The Same Old Stuff.
Each time you have a new interaction with someone you’re struggling with, tally it in the appropriate column.
If you’re seeing behaviors that trend toward:
The Same Old Stuff – decide whether it’s worth your energy and time to address it now or at some later date.
Better Than Usual – reflect on what’s going well and reinforce the positive behavior you’re seeing.
Worse Than Usual – address this as soon as possible and make it clear (citing organizational values, job descriptions, personal boundaries, etc.) that this behavior is unacceptable.
Using this sorting exercise helps you – and your nervous system – show up in a healthier way that’s truer to who you really are as a leader, and in a way that makes it easier to change the world.
I know because I’ve received great feedback from clients and colleagues about it.
As one colleague recently said, “this is the most simple, brilliant this I’ve ever seen.”
What matters to me is that it’s helping great leaders in the nonprofit sector be their best, and reclaim their time and energy from feeling surprised by routine bad behavior.
Give it a try and let me know how it works for you.